Is it possible for someone to smile whilst dying inside? I've never been a believer of this until it really happened to me. Let me brief you. It started with my friend Derrick who lost the love of his life J. Everyone who knew them was very shocked to hear about their break up because they were the "it" couple. If you weren't actually feeling what my friend was feeling, you would say he's full of drama and exaggeration. Indeed my friend had the broken heart syndrome and was suffering in silence for months. Let me fast forward....a couple of months later, I made the "stupidest" mistake that cost me the love of my life too and broke my heart into a million tiny pieces They say you don't know what you have until you lose it....true talk. I ended up saying its over to the love of my life Eric and he didn't hesitate accepting it. He really accepted it even after countless times of me begging him to come back to me; there's no way I can blame him for that. He gave me countless chances. Just like Derrick the pain was unbearable, I never thought he would actually let go of me. I started suffering in silence. Derrick couldn't talk about his but I could talk about mine and the more I talked about what happened between Eric and i , the more heart breaking it was. Just like Derrick I wanted to vanished because the sweet guy who always put me first has now turn into someone I'm scared of. He started being cheeky and spiteful.... so i vanished just like Derrick. Almost five months later I decided to talk to him hoping that all the negative vibes were gone. But to my surprise, it has gotten worst. Eric hates me more than ever. He can't even be tolerant enough to reply my messages. This time, it hurts more than the break up itself. Derrick seemed to be healing....well that's what he's always saying but I know he still loves her J but since J is moving on he can't really do anything about it. Well for me I'm still sitting in the mess I created hoping that I would be able to right all the wrongs I made with Eric. But how do you actually show someone who hates you more than anything, someone you are even afraid of texting, someone who sees you as a bother when you ever try talking to him, someone who probably thinks you are the worst human being alive that you can't actually change and make things right. He gave me a permanent ticket which I never saw it coming because I thought love conquers all and I believed it. The mornings are hard!!! Its hard to wake up and actually prepare for school with a heavy and an empty heart. If my ego can get a moment, I actually make people's day with my life and smile but no one really knows that I'm dying inside. Almost 2years and I'm still loving Eric even though he hates me and can I complain? No. Fast forward to today...early on, I had a chat with my friend Derrick whom I haven't seen in a year and half and J's name popped up; obviously Eric's too. I figured that we were and still struggling to find our foot to put it on the ground. So I said to Derrick, " the good thing is J actually wants to hear from you and talk to you but mine is opposite" he sighed. And I continued by asking him " so where do we go from here?" And he sighed again. I can actually relate to Derrick because we are both in the same soup even though he's always saying mine is different. As the conversation was going on I added " We all made mistakes....we didn't deserve the punishment but we got it anyway.....and I'm sure if we are giving another chance we will make things right. But the saddest part is that, the people we will both give up everything for doesn't even believe in us to give us another shot. So what are we doing now???I'm left clueless because everything that's needed to be said to Eric to make him see me again has already been said. So we are smiling but dying inside until we rise up again! We surely don't know when though!.........watch out for this space..........
A single picture became my motivation to the beginning of this journey. I never wanted to get my picture taken because I knew I had packed on some weight. There came in the comments from my course mates telling me how fat I’ve gotten and so on. Some even went to the extent of saying I’m not coming to class because I said I’ve gained weight; that was sad. The comments they passed did hurt but it didn’t motivate me to change my lifestyle. As time went by, I got so used to their fat body shaming and comments. But what they didn’t know was the fact that I had already given up on myself: so nothing they said was actually going to push me to change. Even with that I’ll start eating healthy for a minute, hit the gym and give up on that same week. Until my course mate took a picture of me when I wasn’t looking after I had instructed him not to take any picture of me. A single picture became my motivation to the beginning of this journey. My first look at the pictur...
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