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AND EVERYTHING CAME BACK....BUT BACK TO ZERO

I've been trying to avoid writing for days. I don't want to because the words and everything so far seems so difficult and heavy to even pen down. But today I find myself writing not because I want to but it's because I feel if I don't put things down I'm never going to feel better; this heavy heart won't set me free.

So here it goes, do you remember the love of my life Eric,  Yep! He's back after his two year mission in Nigeria and guess what, when I saw him, I was angry not because I hated him but because all the love I felt for him was coming back to me; everything was coming back again and I felt weak. Anger was the only emotion I could show to be strong. Everything is great, we are back together and very happy. What??? Wait.. That was one of my dreams typing.

Now back to me,  things are messy and clearly he got himself a new girlfriend, he's happy and moving on. In fact he's doing way better than I am. I was still holding on to him and the possibility of how everything will change when he comes back,  the possibility of how we will get back together again; so imagine how I felt lwhen he came back and I realized I've lost him for good. I could actually feel his animosity towards me but he was still trying to be nice to me. Its like I could literary feel him saying its over between us and I don't have to care for you let alone worry about you but others are telling me to so I'll be nice to you. I won't front up here and say I'm okay with everything. Nope. I wish things was different.

So I'm left heart broken, there are days that I feel so good,  there are days that I don't even want to wake up or do anything. There are days where the tears starts flowing without any explanation because it doesn't need one anyway. My heart and soul can tell clearly that I've lost everything. One thing I've heard a 1000 times this past few days is "Move on".

People say move as if you can just snap your fingers and everything will be back to normal. What if the person is worth fighting for??  Wait that was another dream typing. I  have a few real people in my life who can actually relate to my situation and give me a better advice. Two words I have heard from the realest people that I probably look back to every time I'm feeling the heat is "Patience and Time".

Honestly I don't feel good but I have no other option than to go with the flow... You know, going through the motion. I had a few words with Eric... Lol not few words. Majority of the discussion ended with me being hurt and crying. Apparently Eric said his new girlfriend is into him just like I'm into him. Seriously he used I'm into him???  I've loved you for 2years and still counting. We've been through a lot and I'm still here,  you can't classify that as being into you.. It's love. I felt so disrespected when he said that but well who am I to react. I've been labeled "angry Nancy" so I kept my cool.

How do you stop loving someone?? Where should I put all the love I feel for him. There are days I wish I could get instant answers and solutions to everything I'm going through. I love him so much so it's hard for me. I don't know what I'm doing with my life now. Everyday I pray for strength to endure all this and get the old me back. I've lost who I am and I don't know where I'm heading too. But just like the realest people in my life told me, patience and time,  so I'll leave it to these two to do the magic. Until then I'll still be the looser Nancy.... "The Clown" the one who lost everything.

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