I tried my best to stay
away.....here I am calling again!!!!!
When my personal life
became an everyday topic in my workplace, I felt like quitting. But I was
grounded by my mother’s words. When I stood firm, I discovered that I was a
BEAST!!! Yes, I had loved the wrong man and all my dirty linen was washed in
public. Everyone had an opinion about the situation; the good and the bad. I
was disgraced, humiliated, and made a mockery of by that same man I thought will
stand by me any day. A man I held and cherished dearly. I was forced to grow up
and stand up for myself when I realized I was alone in this fight.
I wiped my tears, stood
up, and decided to push forward in a place that has become toxic for me and had
to deal with seeing him. So, I went back to the only coping mechanism I know.
That is eating anything and everything I can find until I can feel the pain.
And guess what? It came with gaining a lot of weight. I lost myself and at this
point, I didn’t care about anyone or anything. I changed so much. I was filled
with so much anger and bitterness; my heart was shattered into a million
little pieces. I thought I was going to make it. The morning and going back to
that place was the most difficult thing for me.
But I had to put on a
brave and smiling face for my children. Along the way, these children saw me
crying one too many times and it was heartbreaking. Still, I wanted to push
through. Gradually I began to feel better about the place and the whole
situation. But the emotional, psychological and physical damage it caused me
was greater. I went harder at work, but I was still struggling to find myself.
I kept asking myself this question “How could someone you’ve been so good to
turn around stab you in the back” but I guess I handed him the knife. And I was
to be blamed for everything.
I’m still trying to find
myself. I’m not sad anymore….well not like how I used to be. Sharing my version
of events doesn’t make me cry anymore. I’ve learned to accept the fact that I
was too good for him ( at least that was his excuse) for doing the things he did
to me. I’m still emotionally eating and gaining weight. But one thing I
know is that this heart-wrenching experience showed me what I am capable of
doing. It changed me so much that I had to find the BEAST in me to survive. Now
I walk around being so wild, cautious, and ready to attack.
I am comfortably working.
Now I can move past him and not feel any sort of emotions running through me.
It’s as if he doesn’t exist. I can speak up and stand up for myself boldly
without having to apologize anymore. But I’m still finding the girl I used to
be before he entered my life with his chaos. if I have to relive 13 February
2021 - 30 July 2021, I’ll drop dead in a heartbeat. Until my redemption comes,
I will be hanging in here, working hard, praying, seeking healing, and
controlling my appetite, and minding my business. I hope you all will be minding
your business too!!! See you all in 2022!!
PS: This is my last piece
about this issue and I will never talk about this painful experience.
Still Surviving,
Ms. Bediako
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