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BACK FROM THE DEAD


I tried my best to stay away.....here I am calling again!!!!!

When my personal life became an everyday topic in my workplace, I felt like quitting. But I was grounded by my mother’s words. When I stood firm, I discovered that I was a BEAST!!! Yes, I had loved the wrong man and all my dirty linen was washed in public. Everyone had an opinion about the situation; the good and the bad. I was disgraced, humiliated, and made a mockery of by that same man I thought will stand by me any day. A man I held and cherished dearly. I was forced to grow up and stand up for myself when I realized I was alone in this fight.

 

I wiped my tears, stood up, and decided to push forward in a place that has become toxic for me and had to deal with seeing him. So, I went back to the only coping mechanism I know. That is eating anything and everything I can find until I can feel the pain. And guess what? It came with gaining a lot of weight. I lost myself and at this point, I didn’t care about anyone or anything. I changed so much. I was filled with so much anger and bitterness; my heart was shattered into a million little pieces. I thought I was going to make it. The morning and going back to that place was the most difficult thing for me.

 

But I had to put on a brave and smiling face for my children. Along the way, these children saw me crying one too many times and it was heartbreaking. Still, I wanted to push through. Gradually I began to feel better about the place and the whole situation. But the emotional, psychological and physical damage it caused me was greater. I went harder at work, but I was still struggling to find myself. I kept asking myself this question “How could someone you’ve been so good to turn around stab you in the back” but I guess I handed him the knife. And I was to be blamed for everything.

He didn’t love me. He loved whatever I had to offer and the benefit that came with pretending to love me. If I say I didn’t see the red flags, I would be lying but the fixer in me thought we could fix it.

 

I’m still trying to find myself. I’m not sad anymore….well not like how I used to be. Sharing my version of events doesn’t make me cry anymore. I’ve learned to accept the fact that I was too good for him ( at least that was his excuse) for doing the things he did to me. I’m still emotionally eating and gaining weight. But one thing I know is that this heart-wrenching experience showed me what I am capable of doing. It changed me so much that I had to find the BEAST in me to survive. Now I walk around being so wild, cautious, and ready to attack.

 

I am comfortably working. Now I can move past him and not feel any sort of emotions running through me. It’s as if he doesn’t exist. I can speak up and stand up for myself boldly without having to apologize anymore. But I’m still finding the girl I used to be before he entered my life with his chaos. if I have to relive 13 February 2021 - 30 July 2021, I’ll drop dead in a heartbeat. Until my redemption comes, I will be hanging in here, working hard, praying, seeking healing, and controlling my appetite, and minding my business. I hope you all will be minding your business too!!! See you all in 2022!!

 

PS: This is my last piece about this issue and I will never talk about this painful experience.

 

Still Surviving,

 

Ms. Bediako

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