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RANDOM FEELINGS


Hi guys It has been a while and I just came here to tell you that I am finally 28 yaaaay! Okay hold up I didn’t come here to simply say that. I’m sorry I left you all in the dark but I’m back. Are you still mad? Come on!!!! Okay. How have I been? I’ve been good but my mirror says otherwise. Well if we are keeping this page a judgement free zone, at this point I can genuinely say I don't have the foggiest idea. I quit thinking about how I should feel, taking the path of least resistance has been the new me. I pass by the mindset of "goodness this individual did this to me, I deserve that". If you ask me what I’m living for me now, I’ll tell you I’m living for my mother. I’ve stopped caring and thinking about myself and what I want. Presently I'm increasingly centered around what I should accomplish for my mom before I pass on, or she bites the dust. I need that woman to be proud of me and be fulfilled before I drop dead. I realize that is miserable and it makes me extremely upset however who am I to feel? When I feel I’m termed as depressed. When I talk I’m called disrespectful , when I express my views I’m called rude. So why should I care?

 If you are asking what about my father, what father???? he is not here!!!!. I got tired of making excuses for him, so I let him go. I haven’t heard from my father in years; even with this corona virus pandemic going on he still made his choice to stay silent. Am I angry? Hell, yes! Every single day of my life. Why am I angry? I mean how does one completely forget his own blood. Sometimes I ask my mum if he sleeps soundly at night or even eat knowing that he left me behind to struggle alone. But then again, I say I gave him too much credit when I was a kid, he was everything I wanted to be. I could honestly say I built my dreams around him because I knew he was he only one capable of getting me out of here. I realized giving him that much credit was my problem. He didn’t have control over my expectations about him. I mean I didn't know him, but I formed an opinion of him based on my thoughts which was even wrong anyway. So the fact that he is not even close to what I thought he was does not mean he is not good; he is good not my kind of good. Am I still making excuses for him? No, I’m not! I’m trying to make sense of everything to survive. 

I have never admitted this, but deep down my biggest struggle I'm trying to deal with every day is the abandonment of my father. He changed me, changed how I see a man and how I see myself and the world. So, tell me what right do I have to demand love, respect, value and care from another man when the one who gave birth to me couldn’t afford to give to me? What right do I have to care and love a man when I know at the end of the day he’s going to leave? What right do I have to demand love from all of you? Dear fathers, the painful thing you can do to your child is to allow him or her to go through life wondering “WHAT IF”. What if dad was here? What if dad had given me money for food? what if dad said I love you and stayed? What if dad told me IM BEAUTIFUL? Envision your kid conveying this weight thus much bitterness consistently. Lately it's been hard for me to smile. At this point, I feel ashamed to complain because my mother has been the best; but trust me it has never healed or fixed my daddy issues. 

I try not to stay in bed for long in the mornings because when I do, I start feeling the pain. There are days I go hard and don’t even sleep because I refuse to be the nothing he has made me believe that I am. Today I stayed in bed and he won!! I don’t know about my mother, but for me I go through life knowing that my father had a choice and he chose a side that wasn’t mine. And that’s okay! Who am I to judge? I didn’t grow up with my father and I’m not thinking about that now. Fast forward four years or so from now I’ll probably cry when I realized what I’ve missed but now my eyes are dry. Because I’m trying to stay alive. So, if you see my tears fall just let me be! Move along there’s nothing to see!

Comments

  1. There is really no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside, but this individual feels no agony as everything is being shared. This Miss has no better life, but she finds the right words to describe her life and make it seem simple. In her fantasized world, she gives meaning and understanding to every issue. She never denies her emotions. She tears up when it’s necessary, holds in when she has to. She feels every beautiful thing with her heart, and when it explodes, it’s an epidemic*. Her words are her pistol. She is intoxicated with language. She wages not war with her fits but with words. Her ideas may fail but her words may NT! In her heart does she not handcuff hatred. Her creativity with words, ability to conjure words is an encouragement to many. The unity of her words promotes peace. They say a wounded deer leaps the highest and with a wounded heart she writes emotionally well. Her emotions streams into her write ups. She is never crippled within. A writer who possesses a soul full of courage which dares and defies blockades. A fighter who has fought stearic and has had encounters with the gym (Half of her fight is a revision). A survivor who is sharing experiences. She is soft at heart but hard on words. As a talented writer she has done what she can and as a genius we know she will do what is needed of her (making Us proud)I present to you a confident but cautious lady, A free spirited dreamer, A creative writer ,A master of literature, An overcomer, A male spirited figure embodied in a breasted creature….The female king Miss Afia Manko Adu Bediako

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    1. Aiiiiiiiissssssh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she did a perfect job!!

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  2. The fire in Afia Bediako is now rekindled. Go higher Sexy borbor 😍and never let anything stop you from being you. Keep the fire burning Sweetheart. You will definitely smile to all these one day. It's Just a matter of time and patience. I know and believe strongly that the Sky is just a starting point for you girl. Peace✌😍

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    Replies
    1. My Sexy borbor!!! thank you for always supporting me. I appreciate the love baby

      Delete

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