RANDOM FEELINGS

Hi guys It has been a while and I just came here to tell you that I am finally 28 yaaaay! Okay hold up I didn’t come here to simply say that. I’m sorry I left you all in the dark but I’m back. Are you still mad? Come on!!!! Okay. How have I been? I’ve been good but my mirror says otherwise. Well if we are keeping this page a judgement free zone, at this point I can genuinely say I don't have the foggiest idea. I quit thinking about how I should feel, taking the path of least resistance has been the new me. I pass by the mindset of "goodness this individual did this to me, I deserve that". If you ask me what I’m living for me now, I’ll tell you I’m living for my mother. I’ve stopped caring and thinking about myself and what I want. Presently I'm increasingly centered around what I should accomplish for my mom before I pass on, or she bites the dust. I need that woman to be proud of me and be fulfilled before I drop dead. I realize that is miserable and it makes me extremely upset however who am I to feel? When I feel I’m termed as depressed. When I talk I’m called disrespectful , when I express my views I’m called rude. So why should I care?

 If you are asking what about my father, what father???? he is not here!!!!. I got tired of making excuses for him, so I let him go. I haven’t heard from my father in years; even with this corona virus pandemic going on he still made his choice to stay silent. Am I angry? Hell, yes! Every single day of my life. Why am I angry? I mean how does one completely forget his own blood. Sometimes I ask my mum if he sleeps soundly at night or even eat knowing that he left me behind to struggle alone. But then again, I say I gave him too much credit when I was a kid, he was everything I wanted to be. I could honestly say I built my dreams around him because I knew he was he only one capable of getting me out of here. I realized giving him that much credit was my problem. He didn’t have control over my expectations about him. I mean I didn't know him, but I formed an opinion of him based on my thoughts which was even wrong anyway. So the fact that he is not even close to what I thought he was does not mean he is not good; he is good not my kind of good. Am I still making excuses for him? No, I’m not! I’m trying to make sense of everything to survive. 

I have never admitted this, but deep down my biggest struggle I'm trying to deal with every day is the abandonment of my father. He changed me, changed how I see a man and how I see myself and the world. So, tell me what right do I have to demand love, respect, value and care from another man when the one who gave birth to me couldn’t afford to give to me? What right do I have to care and love a man when I know at the end of the day he’s going to leave? What right do I have to demand love from all of you? Dear fathers, the painful thing you can do to your child is to allow him or her to go through life wondering “WHAT IF”. What if dad was here? What if dad had given me money for food? what if dad said I love you and stayed? What if dad told me IM BEAUTIFUL? Envision your kid conveying this weight thus much bitterness consistently. Lately it's been hard for me to smile. At this point, I feel ashamed to complain because my mother has been the best; but trust me it has never healed or fixed my daddy issues. 

I try not to stay in bed for long in the mornings because when I do, I start feeling the pain. There are days I go hard and don’t even sleep because I refuse to be the nothing he has made me believe that I am. Today I stayed in bed and he won!! I don’t know about my mother, but for me I go through life knowing that my father had a choice and he chose a side that wasn’t mine. And that’s okay! Who am I to judge? I didn’t grow up with my father and I’m not thinking about that now. Fast forward four years or so from now I’ll probably cry when I realized what I’ve missed but now my eyes are dry. Because I’m trying to stay alive. So, if you see my tears fall just let me be! Move along there’s nothing to see!